With the return of fall also comes the arrival of groups of guys going on and on and on about their “Fantasy Football Teams”.

Frankly, the words “Football” and “Fantasy” have never seemed to me to belong in the same sentence. To be honest, the only thing I really like abut football is that the grocery store is really empty and you can blow through shopping fast.

So, for guys like me, I present the alternative to fantasy football:

The Fantasy Mormon Polygamy Compound.

That’s right - populate your little row of polygamist cottages with the best crew of “Sister Wives” you can muster. And please keep in mind - unless you have access to a functioning time machine (and you’re cool with the possible damage one could do to the space-time continuum by shuffling hotties around the ages) try to keep yours current - no temporal paradoxes in the mormon compound!

That’s why you won’t see Morticia Addams, Ginger, MaryAnne, & Jeannie, Katherine Hepburn, Grace Kelley or seventies-era Stevie Nicks in my compound. Let’s get started!

SISTER WIFE #1: PADMA LAKSHMI

The former supermodel, award-winning cookbook author and current Top Chef host will be in charge of managing the compound - primarily mediating any cat fights that may occur in my little Mormon heaven. If you’ve ever heard her say “Please pack your knives and go”, you’ll understand how much threat and menace she can project in just one serene sentence. And hey, if she wants to cook up some dinners, the kitchen’s all hers!

SISTER WIFE #2: Maribel Verdú

This spanish art-house actress’ primary duty will be communicating with all the help (this is Texas and I speak-a no spanish, capiche?).

SISTER WIFE #3: Julie Delpy

Wow, another actress! Julie’s french background will be indispensable, as we’ll need someone to “speak with a cute french accent”. She’s got the job.

SISTER WIFE #4: SARAH SILVERMAN

There’s only one woman who can put up with my nonstop spewing of smartassery, and that’s Sarah. Her jewish schtick will go a long way towards enhancing the cultural melting pot that is my polygamist compound. And her wicked and utterly wrong standup material will come in handy when the cable’s out.

SISTER WIFE #5 HILARY SWANK

Yeah, all you ladies don’t get the whole Hilary Swank thing - “Her mouth is too big!” “Her jawline is too hard!” “Her last name isn’t Clinton!” “Her butt is perfect!” Whine, whine, whine. Hilary will be in charge of interior decorating, as she moves her Best Actress Oscars collection from mantle to bookshelf to end table.

SISTER WIFE #6: DARA TORRES

As an Olympic champ and super-MILF, you’d think I’d assign Dara to something like physical fitness & diet consultant, but I have bigger plans: Dara’s job will be to “keep the pool area looking good”. And no, I don’t mean she’ll clean the pool - all she has to do is sit there.

SISTER WIFE #7: GONG LI

The Chinese acting powerhouse will have a crucial place in the structure of the compound: she will keep track of the numerous asian carry-out menus that litter the place, suggesting the best combinations when “everyone wants Chinese”. And, being born in 1965, she’ll be considered the “grown up” of this bunch of post-teen wives (and when she acts up, I can announce that “Gong Li is Chinese for OLDER THAN DARA!” Good times!)

SISTER WIFE #8: TRICIA HELFER

The recent reboot of Battlestar Galactica introduced us to the World’s Hottest Cylon. So what job goes to the blonde who helped destroy human civilization? As long as she wears that red dress, whatever the hell job she wants!

Sadly, there are no authors, researchers, philosophers or academics on this list… I guess I should get out more.